• Big-Leg Woman

D.B. was grinning at me after a cool gig, „Call me Baby!“ He gave me his phone number, written on a dirty scrap of paper. He was disgusting as a man, his full beard pasha-like face filled my pupil, but he had a blues voice like nobody else. And I, I just wanted to get close, even closer to the blues, I wanted to belong to somebody. I felt at a loss, still struggled against the invitation, half a child, half already an adult, the dirty scrap of paper just burned my hand. One week was gone, I was torn but after long hesitating ready for everything. It was only my decision, nobody could help me. I took the public transportation and was on the road for many hours in different buses, as I needed to change them frequently, till I arrived in that godless outlying district of Budapest. I was standing in front of a long time closed run-down movie theater. I was waiting for him. Dark shadows of wretched figures appeared, they were watching me curiously to vanish inwardly a short time later. Sharp wind was blowing, it was middle of November. It was damned cold. I was completely dressed in black on that day, maybe subconcious I bemoaned the loss of my childhood. I got alerted as a puddle splattered. D.B. came up to me, based upon his crutch. He just waved for me shortly and I followed him into the unkind, bare-faced substandard one room-kitchen love nest. After his drooling kiss he asked me „Are you always so sad?“ That was the first kiss at all in my life. I abadonded apathetically my virginity to him. He was taking it without any scruple, without words, without love. That was all I could give him. I didn’t love him either. I just loved his voice. I felt the ecstasy only if he was singing on stage. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see his amputated leg. Before I left, we smoked a cigaret in silence, we didn’t have to say anything to each other. Although I was aware, that I wasn’t the only one (he was married, and he was glory in the popularity of a musician), and this was anything but love, he became sporadically my secret lover for the following years. Only my grandmother discovered traces of changing within me. She fumed but she couldn’t prohibit me anything anymore. It was a one sided breakup as I left him two years later. I guess, he didn’t even notice.