Everytime is the first time, if it is with somebody new. You never know, what happens after the first night, which is rarely the best (compared with the next, if you get a second chance). Almost everything is still open. U.B. was seemingly not averse to starting something more serious with me. She was ready for me, and stayed with me not only through one night, although she said „all is going too fast“, she wasn’t scared. She just needed time, to process the overwhelming events. She was not gay, but open in her feelings for that. I was her first real close encounter of the second kind. Frantic thoughts mixed with ambivalent feelings, fearful hopes put me in a turmoil. With her it was like being in a thrilling reality show, we both were the winner of the first casting, and were allowed to play in our own colored movie which story we had to write commonly and spontaneously, fine tuned on each other. We both hoped for a happy no end. We didn’t have another choice, than to give the chance a chance. We had to trust, open up ourselves and let the feelings flow, even if we did know, we could get hurted someday, we were ready to take the risk. We both were twenty-five, mature enough for a serious relationship. To be together with her was a new experience for me, too. She was the first, who cared about me. I felt secure, familiar with her. She touched something in my soul, she got me and I didn’t want to lose her. We didn’t fall in an all stirring passionated love, but we loved each other deeply. It was a relationship in a stage of development, based on a close friendship, on common interests, and on some mercy.
KILLING JOKE • NIGHT TIME