• White Rabbit

Nothing happened that way, as I had hoped or had wished for. It wasn't much I could give her, but that not much was already too much, just because she didn't want me, not really. She couldn't let her feelings in, she could not let me in, she was not able to make a decision, although I think she tried to make some efforts, and in a way she was fascinated by me still. She was simple overburdened in every sense, and she was extremely contradictory. We had a start from the zero, we hardly knew each other yet. She loved and lived the distance, she was deeply irritated through my presence. I had got too close to her. I didn't need much time to notice, that I was at the wrong place. I got caught in my own trap, I was stucked there. I felt superfluous, ordered without being picked up,  just like at my arrival. She was not taking any time off during my stay. In the morning time the phone was ringing constantly, it was hardly possible to carry on a conversation with her. She was always very busy but went to work at noon. After work she had to swim. Back home she only came late at night. I really tried, using my best endeavors, to adapt to the situation, to her life, although I already realized, I would not fit to that, not a bit. There was no place for me. Not in her apartment, and not in her heart. Everything was about her and there was no hint she would ever show some interests for my needs. There was no relationship between us, even I had wished for it so much. I got aware, that our get-together would work only, if I would live her life, if I would totally forget about myself, which I could not. Not always. I tried to ignore these highly uncomfortable thoughts, but the fact was, WE didn’t exist. There was just she but there was me, too, and between us the ocean of unresolved emotions.