I didn’t know yet, if I was gay at all, I just could get THE feeling usually only with women. Now, being together with R.K. I had to remember my first time. It wasn’t long ago, just a few years back when I was falling in love with Susan. Through the crazy schizoid game of fate at the same time I got to know somebody else called also S. I think that S. fell in love with me, maybe a little. Both had Jewish roots, both were in the same age like me and both were very pretty. Susan (whom I loved), was a natural sex bomb at all. She played for a long time with me, with the fire, and with her thoughts to try it out, and on a cold December day she decided to do the first step. I still feel her first kiss on my lips, it tasted like kissing a cool, sweet strawberry. /Oh!/ She had beautiful lips. To kiss her was exciting wonderful, but nothing more did happen. It never came to more, since I cheated on her with S. already before ever could have had happened more. S. said „ lie to me! Tell, that you love me!“ Although I really liked her, I missed the love, I missed the desire I had felt by those first kisses, but I wasn’t able to say "no", to stand up to the temptation. So I lied the love to her, which she needed, but due to that I was unable to be together ever with Susan. This love affair brought anyway more complications into my future, than satisfaction. I was confused, I wasn’t sure, what was going on with me. In those days the consequences of an outing in the countryside of Hungary would have been the same like suicide. My grandmother said terrified, "that's a bad illness, you must get healed from it!" /think: 1984!/ It wasn't to change, so she kept this (for her) such unpleasant and unwanted fact unwillingly among her other dark family sectrets.
LEONARD COHEN • SUSANNE