• Without You

THIS LETTER IS PART 2 WITHOUT DOTS COMMA OR DASH YOU CAN SPECIFY THEM I'LL DO THE PASSAGES  I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE TO YOU TODAY ABOUT LOVE THE WAY I FEEL IT TO YOU AGAIN WITHOUT YOU WITH YOU WITH ME THE FEELING IS MAYBE A BIT PHILOSOPHICALLY THE LETTER PROBABLY DIFFIFULT TO READ BUT INTERESTING MAYBE IT IS SOMETHING SPECIAL TOO LIKE THE TWO IN THIS GAME OF LOVE RITUAL WE

A GOOD START I LIKE THAT I WOULDN’T LIKE TO OVERCHARGE YOU PLAY SIMPLE THE GAME WITH ME WITH THE THOUGHTS YESTERDAY IT WAS SO GREAT BUT THAT IS PAST NOW RIGHT NOW ARE THE AWARENESSES THERE HOW MANY TIMES YET I DON’T KNOW I EXPERINCED WITH YOU SO MUCH WITHIN SHORT TIME MORE THEN DURING MY WHOLE LIFE I WAS GROWING UP SUDDENLY OVERNIGHT THOUGH DISCOVERED IN THE SAME TIME THE CHILD IN ME I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE BOTH BUT I JUST CAN DO THAT WITH YOU YOU WANT IT AS WELL THAT I DON’T CHANGE AND I JUST BECAME THE WAY I AM

IT IS NOT LONG AGO YET

I EXPERIENCED THE END OF THE LAST NIGHT INSTEAD OF YOU MAYBE ALSO FOR YOU AND I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW IT WAS FOR ME IT’S IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ALTHOUGH I KNOW, THAT YOU KNOW I NEED TO EXPRESS IT IN WORDS TO TRY TO CATCH THE FICTION THAT WE BOTH CAN REALIZE IT WHAT HAPPENED TO US IS NOT EXPLAINABLE WE ARE ALLOWED TO EXPERINCE IT YOU ARE IN AND I AM WITHIN I TOLD ONE OF THE BLUES BROTHERS THREE WEEKS AGO I GOT THE TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE HE ASKED IF IT HAS TO DO SOMETHING WITH RELIGION AND I ANSWERED IF LOVE IS A RELIGION THEN I GOT RELIGIOUS AND AS IF YOU WOULD HAVE FELT WHAT I WAS SAYING TO HIM YOUR RASPBERRY LIPS WERE SEARCHING AFTER MINE IN FRONT OF HIM IN FRONT OF ALL PEOPLE

THE EVENING WAS SO BEAUTIFUL I FELT CLOSE TO YOU I COULDN’T HAVE BEEN CLOSER TO YOU YOU COULDN’T HAVE BEEN CLOSER TO ME YOU WERE SPENDING THIS NIGHT WITH ME YOU HAVE BEEN THERE WITH ME YOU TOOK MY HAND YOU DID KNOW THAT I BELONG ONLY TO YOU AND YOU WANTED TO BELONG TO ME AT LEAST FOR A SHORT TIME I DID SPENT THIS NIGHT WITH YOU AS AN EXAMPLE THAT YOU CAN FEEL YOU ARE FREE EVEN IF YOU ARE WITH ME THAT IT IS NOT AN EMPTY PROMISE WHAT I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT’S THE WAY I LIVE AND I WOULD LIKE THAT YOU CAN LIVE THAT TOO

LATER YOU ASKED WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE AT ALL THEN YOU WERE LYING IN MY BED NAKED I DESIRED YOU AND YOU WANTED THAT I DESIRE YOU YOU SAID TAKE ME THOUGH I ASKED YOU IN DOUBT DO YOU REALLY WANT ME OR YOU JUST WANT TO SLEEP YOU KISSED ME AND SAID I WANT YOU BUT IN REALITY YOU WANTED TO SLEEP IT HURTED SO MUCH WHEN I FELT THAT MY TOUCHES DON’T TOUCH YOU NOT A BIT YOU SOOTHED ME AND SAID ALREADY IN HALF SLEEP THAT’S ABSOLUTELY NOT IMPORTANT THAT IT GIVES MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS I SOBBED THAT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU ALL BUT CAN’T GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU SAID YOU GET ALL FROM ME AND THAT YOU WOULD GIVE ALL TO ME JUST NOT YOU WAS MY LAST SENTENCE I COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN ANY LONGER I HAD TO BREAK AWAY MYSELF FROM YOU AS I GOT BACK YOU WERE SLEEPING SOUND YOU DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT I SMOKED YOU HAVE BEEN THERE BUT NOT REALLY I’VE BEEN LONELY TOGETHER WITH YOU I FELT INTO SLEEP WITH THOSE THOUGHTS AND WOKE UP WITH THE SAME THOUGHTS

I WAS WRITING SINCE THREE HOURS ALREADY WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE KITCHEN I WAS WRITING NOT FOR THE SAKE OF ART BUT THAT I GET THE FEELING DRAINED AWAY I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND YOU WHY YOU CAN GIVE ME THE FEELING AND WHY I CAN’T GIVE IT TO YOU I COULDN’T ANSWER THE QUESTION SENSELESS CHAIN OF THOUGHTS I ADMIRE YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN GIVE SO MUCH BUT DON’T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING

EARLY IN THE MORNING YOU HAVE BEEN SO TENDERLY TO ME I HAD TO ADDICT MYSELF TO YOU YOU SAID HOW BEAUTIFUL I CAN BE THEN YOU LEFT AND SUDDENLY I DID KNOW I DID KNOW ALL YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF MY MIRROR DURING YOU SATISFIED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN MIRROR AT HOME I KISSED ANOTHER MIRROR IMAGE HERE AND WAS THINKING WHAT’S LOVE WHAT IT IS ACTUALLY LOVE IS EGOISTIC NARCISSISTIC UNSATISFIED YEARNING YOU CAN’T DESCRIBE LOVE ONLY WITH ONE WORD SINCE IT MEANS TO EVERYBODY SOMETHING ELSE SHARED THROUGH TWO AS EVERYBODY IS SEXUAL AND SPIRITUAL AND SUDDENLY I THOUGHT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME DURING THE WHOLE TIME I DID KNOW

ALTHOUGH WE ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WE WANT THE SAME JUST GET LOVED THROUGH THAT WE CAN COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER BECAUSE THE LOVE YOU CAN GIVE TO ME IS DIFFERENT FROM THE LOVE I CAN GIVE TO YOU THE REASON FOR THAT THAT WE HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT NEEDS WHEN YOU SAID TO ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I CAN BE YOU DIDN’T SEE ME BUT THE BEAUTY OF MY INNER MY CHARISMA THROUGH YOU THROUGH YOUR PRESENCE WHICH SHINED BACK TO YOU AND YOU PERCIEVED IT AS ME ALTHOUGH IT WAS ONLY YOU

I AM NOT PRETTY I JUST FEEL LOVED BY YOU EXACTLY IN THAT WAY I HAVEN’T BEEN FROM ANYBODY YET I FEEL DESIRED BY YOU AND I NEVER BEEN THAT YET I KNOW RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN’T EXPRESS  THE LOVE I FEEL TO YOU NOT THE WAY YOU CAN MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IT FROM ME AT ALL BUT MAYBE I CAN AND THIS MAYBE IS CRUCIAL TO GIVE TO YOU ANOTHER KIND OF LOVE WHICH YOU DIDN’T GET YET FROM NOBODY ELSE MAYBE I HOPE THAT I REALLY CAN GIVE IT TO YOU THAT I CAN LOVE YOU IN A WAY LIKE NOBODY BEFORE SINCE I AM DIFFERENT

WITHIN TWO HOURS IT IS POSSIBLE THAT I GET TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY UNSECURE LONELY AND DESPERATED THEN I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE  IF MY EYES ARE OPEN WHEN I DO SEE AND WHAT I AM SEEING WHAT IS REALITY SUDDENLY I GET SCARED THAT I DECEIVE MYSELF SOMETHING WHICH I WANT TO SEE IN YOU AND IN ME AND I AM ABLE TO SEE IT ALTHOUGH IT DOESN’T EXSIST AT ALL BUT I AM SCARED THAT IT COULD BE TRUE AND I PERCIEVE IT REAL I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE WHAT IS REAL IF I AM HERE AT ALL

I CAN’T HARDLY SLEEP THE UNSECIRITY DOESN’T GIVE ME ANY REST BOTH FEELINGS ARE THERE AMBIVALENTLY ALTHOUGH IT IS ONLY ONE FEELING IT IS SPLITTED LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO SPLIT ME TO TEAR THE LOVE I FEEL IN THE SENSE THAT YOU WANT TO GET ONLY ONE PART OF IT I AM NOT SURE IF I AM ABLE TO FORGET ON THE SECOND PART WHICH BELONGS TO ME AS WELL BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IT NOT FROM ME IF I AM ABLE TO KILL THE LONGING TO YOU BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW YET IF THE WHOLE LOVE WILL DIE.

YOU KNOW IT’S ABOUT LOVE IT’S ABOUT THE WHOLE LOVE WHICH ONE CAN FEEL AT ALL IT’S ABOUT THE WHOLE NOT ONLY ABOUT A DETAIL IT’S ABOUT IF YOU REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM NOT JUST THE SURFACE BUT MY WHOLE EMOTIONAL WORLD TO IT I WOULD LIKE TO LET THE FEELING IN TO LET YOU IN I WISH NOTHING MORE IT’S JUST IF I IMAGINE THAT I WAS YOU IF I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ONLY SO MUCH AS I CAN TAKE SINCE IT ISN’T ALLOWED TO GIVE MORE OR TO TAKE MORE THAT THE BALANCE DOESN’T GET OVERBALANCED BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU ALL AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET FROM YOU ALL WHAT YOU ARE GIVIN’ TO ME BECAUSE I AM AWARE OF IT WHAT YOU CAN GIVE TO ME IT MAKES ME HAPPY AND UNHAPPY IN THE SAME TIME I JUST WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT I DON’T DOUBT IN YOUR LOVE OR IN MINE I AM JUST NOT SURE IF YOU WANT THIS LOVE AT ALL IF YOU CAN FEEL IT IF IT CAN REACH YOU OR JUST TOUCHES YOU MARGINALLY BUT IF IT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR YOU I ASK YOU TO TAKE IT FROM ME AS LONG AS I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU

MARIAH CAREY • WITHOUT YOU

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