The hope to see her again soon, all her paintings from the exhibition, which temporarily were stored in my studio, and the music, which reminded me of her, were the only things she left me. I still felt her presence in my apartment, and felt, this time she had been fallen in love with me as well. I gave her time, to get used to the feeling. Although I could hardly wait to meet her again, I wanted to hear her speaking out the same wish. She would have needed to say only one word, I would have booked immediately a flight, no matter where. I did not mind even if it would have been to the end of the world again. But I had to be content with her meager friendly letters, since nothing arrived from her otherwise. I missed the word, I was longing so much for. That hurted again. The months, the years went by, the paper was patient, till I lost my patience finally. She called me on the phone every Sunday (cheap day), at my birthday and at New Eve’s Day. She was writing to me every year for Valentine’s Day, and on Thanks Giving. Sometimes she was sending me some cool CDs by snail mail. But I didn’t get the impression, she would have ever wanted to see me again. To plan a meeting was everytime extremly inconvenient. It always was too short-dated or too long-termed. Either she had no money, or no time for that. I couldn’t watch, how our big love decayed to a pen-pal relation. But she didn’t let me go, she didn’t quit to write. Seemingly I could give her something special. And I was hoping secretly everytime when our contact was getting more intense and the fire was flaming again. I was faithful to her for years. She filled my thoughts, even if I wanted to forget her, I couldn’t let her go either. I wallowed in pain and in painful beautiful memories. „But I've tried, don't you know I've tried. Cried, cried, you know how I've cried. An', an' baby, I've been missin' you “, till finally I got enough from her once more repeated „forgive if“..
JANIS JOPLIN • MISERY 'N