• Big Mama's Door

I wanted to be late,  as I picked her up from the airport in Schwechat by Vienna, but was in time, like her airplane. First I thought vengefully, right now it’s my time, and I will reward all her mean indignities. But as I saw her again, a short look was enough to shift my decision for hundredeighty degrees. Actually why should I hurt myself again, why I should not simply enjoy the anyway limited time we have? It was my territory, this time I was at home, but she felt like at home at the spot.  She loved Vienna, she loved me, and she even liked my enterprising dog. She was on vacation, and we did an exhibition. She did forget her fears, her inhibitions. I don't know how I could push away the intermezzo in San Francisco and was falling in love with her a second time without realizing it. Well, sometimes you just make the same mistake two times, even if you are aware that it is a fatal mistake, you do it though. I wasn’t able to control my feelings, to navigate them with my head as I usually do. I wanted and I wished to get close to her. Don't ask me why, but I wanted her, still only her. It wouldn't be nice to meet somewhere in the world two, three times yearly, to spend our vacations together and living in that way a kind of a compressed long distance relationship without sharing our day to day life? That would have been enough for me. She promised me to meet me soon again, she promised, that we'll have a future, and I believed her, because I wanted to believe in us. And I was sure, that was love. This time the ten days were too short, they were flying by, like an instant. I couldn't prolong it even if I wished to enjoy every second of the fullfilled luck in slow-motion, it was over much too soon.  Saying farewell she aspirated a last kiss through the glass wall at the airport, I saw her blurred through my tears. She was gone. Just like my tears, I couldn’t keep her back.

ALVIN YOUNGBLOOD HEART • BIG MAMA'S DOOR

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