• If I Rise In the Morning

As I woke up on that certain morning, thinking of you opened my eyes and I did feel the day had arrived to wake up finally. I had to realize, you will never be there, if I would ever need you. You would just come and go, carelessly dancing through my life, (most of the time) without seeing me (indeed, without wanting to see me), and I would be placed on hold and would live with you your (real) life, virtually. Actually that is not what we wanted to share with each other. The boundaries between close friendship and romantic were boundless blurred, we could not clarify what we had had, what WE wanted to have with each other. You said, „I want..“ „I want..“ and I had to accept and respect all that, so we just kept going whatever we had backwards instead of ahead. It was to expect we’ll end up in a dead end street. It was just an issue of limited time. One day anything was written, which had to be written, we just could not find a common denominator. I did not want to repeat this whole (unique) year, those numbered special days during we did find the closeness in the distance. Now the balance was upset, the wish for real reality gained the upper hand. You could not gave me, not even a soft illusion of not-being-alone /what I actually was all the time, with or without you, anyway../ anymore. The (daily) intensity of attention you took up just made my longing for you even more unbearable, but could not compensate the infolding emptyness, the meaninglessness of everything and nothing. Vapid words cannot replace deeds. (That was also the key to É.Á.’s riddle, which I could not solve for such a long time. The stifling intensity leads to nothing, ending up in a Nirvana (no outlook for any satisfaction) but requires a lot of /wasted/ time, and /wasted/ energy.)

WANDA JOHNSON • IF I RISE IN THE MORNING

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